


i'm always tired (but never of you)

by jakefitzgerald (orphan_account)



Category: Fall Out Boy, Halsey (Musician), Lana Del Rey (Musician), Melanie Martinez (Musician), PVRIS (Band), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Multi, Other, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:11:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6107566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/jakefitzgerald
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>not all fairytales have happy endings—joshler, jyler, jalsey<br/>                                                    joshler-centric<br/>  </p><p> </p><p>[loosely based off of gnash's 'i hate u i love u'. very loosely]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. boys like him don't get happy endings.

**Author's Note:**

> so i made this during my first fanfiction and i hope you guys like it ??  
> i'll write from more point of views if you all want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he watches the boy he loves fall for everyone but him.

**i. you meet him and he makes your stomach hurt**

Josh Dun is barely old enough to string full and complete sentences together when he pulls Tyler Joseph's head out of a bucket of water. It's in that moment, as he's got his tiny fingers tangled in silky locks, that his stomach first twists and feels funny. "You have to wift your head," he informs the brunette.

"Ohhhh," Tyler says once the air returns to his lungs, "I'm Tyler."

"Who asked?" The taller humphs.

"My mommy taught me it was polite to intwoduce yoursef," he says, slightly crestfallen.

Josh stops for a second. His mother hasn't taught him anything of the sorts.

"Who are you?" Tyler asks.

"Josh," he says curtly. It takes them three weeks and one sandwich to become friends but once they're friends, they're inseparable. The feelings persist in Josh's stomach whenever Tyler smiles or hugs him or holds his hand. he decides they're perfectly normal feelings.

**ii. he gets to know alice gordon and she makes him smile**

It's not until Tyler whispers about dirty blonde hair and sea green eyes and her black eye from standing up for him that Josh starts to question the feelings in his stomach. There's a fire in his bones that is misplaced and a sinking in his stomach that isn't right.

"Alice Gordon?" he scoffs back, "she talks like he's trying to swallow peanut butter." he does his best impression of her and hopes Tyler will see how stupid she is.

His eyes burn and his heart twists behind his ribs when Tyler defends her. But then he sees the hurt in those doe eyes and he doesn't want to do that to his best friend. he shuts up for all of first and second grade about how much he _hatesherhatesherhatesher_ . Tyler never shuts up about how he _likeserlikesherlikesher._

But Tyler Joseph is beaming like a complete idiot and that's all he's ever really wanted so it's okay.

(he breaks four pencils and a pen listening to Tyler talking on and on about her.)

When he writes a letter to Santa for Christmas at seven years old (it's a tradition he picks up from the Joseph’s), all it asks for is "Tyler Joseph's smiling." he seals the envelope shut (and it tastes as sweet as Tyler's laughter sounds) and tucks it into the mailbox with the address Mrs. Joseph told him in the corner.

he never knows that his own mom reads it and works twelve extra shifts to buy Tyler a pure silver keychain with a little picture of him and Josh from the day they became friends. Tyler smiles like crazy and so Josh smiles too.

The next day Alice Gordon admires the keychain and shares her lunch with Tyler.

Josh screams into his pillow and breaks down into tremors of sobs. he hates the way she smiled at his best friend more than he hates her. Most of all though, he hates the way Tyler smiled back.

It kills him and he doesn't quite know why because Tyler Joseph smiling is exactly what he wanted. (Later he'll realize that what he really wanted was Tyler Joseph smiling at him.)

**iii. he runs into Debby Ryan and she makes him giggle**

In third grade Alice Gordon moves to Michigan and Josh hasn't been happier since Tyler refused to take the keychain, hung on a lanyard, off no matter what. The elation dies down when Debby Ryan tells the funniest stories but Tyler laughs a little too hard at them.

he has to coax the brunette into admitting his feelings and maybe that hurts more than the fact that he likes her and her stupid jokes. Even though he hates it, this time he doesn't insult her (at least not to Tyler's face).

he forces them together by pairing up with her best friend Emma Goldman on a history project even though he hates Emma Goldman. Emma has to do all the work because Josh is too busy staring at his best friend smiling and giggling and babbling on too much with a red faced Debby Ryan.

"Are you just gonna stare at them or are you gonna help me?" She asks at one point. he glares at her until she goes back to their poster.

It isn't until after he talks to Debby Ryan for Tyler that he has a good reason to hate her. She talks too much about herself and uses made up words that don't make any sense.

he reports this back to Tyler (who hasn't talked to her since the older forced him to) who makes excuses for how self-centered she is and finds her made up words cute. The blood under his skin boils and he breaks another pencil.

Tyler squeals that they could double date. _J_ _oshandEmmaandTylerandDebby_ sounds golden to the brunette. But Josh has a crush on Devin Fitzpatrick (he hates the name similarities a lot) so he scrunches up his face.

he wonders why it is that Tyler likes girls and he likes a boy once or twice. (In all honesty, that's why he never tells Tyler the way Devin Fitzpatrick makes his heart flutter or about the time he kisses him on the swings.)

That night he tells himself it's just that Tyler has bad taste in girls and that's why he's hated both of his crushes.

he pukes after eating old takeout and his mom tells her to stay home, kisses his forehead the way Mrs. Joseph would, and goes to work, leaving him the takeout menu and $30 in tips. Josh watches cars drive by and old, shaking men who are too skinny beg for money and get coins and lint instead until it makes him feel sick again. he throws up into the toilet and cries a bit.

The worst part is that he thinks he understands their pain.

he's always _wantingwantingwanting_ the things he doesn't have and when he gets them they're not what he needs. The sobs wretch his body and he just sits there, his hands trembling in pathetic ists.

It's 11:10 when he crawls back into bed, still shaking and clammy. The apartment is freezing so he tucks himself under thin blankets.

Twisting and writhing, he's as restless as his heart.

A minute barely passes by. "11:11, make a wish," he grumbles, remembering Tyler whispering about how he keeps wishing for Debby Ryan to like him back and how sad he is that it hasn't come true. he remembers the way he held a crying Tyler afterwards.

(he feels guilty for wishing she would never like Tyler once.)

"I wish . . . I wish Tyler would laugh more," he wishes, "I want that more than anything."

His stomach rumbles and he grabs the phone, trying to brush off the humming in his bones and sloshing in his rib cage. he orders a pineapple pizza (it's Tyler's favorite) and saves too much for later.

The next day he's eating it with his best friend and they're talking about how Emma Goldman was sick too so Debby Ryan spent most of yesterday talking to him. he _laughsandlaughsandlaughs_ and Josh is torn between crying and smiling.

It's the first and last time he believes wishes come true.

**vi. he sees eve saito playing soccer and she makes him melt**

Tyler takes three years to get over Debby Ryan (and he wouldn't have if she hadn't come out as gay in fifth grade). Josh's heart hasn't felt so at ease since he had Tyler all to himself.

Sixth grade is hell on earth for them at first because Mr. Joseph is a teacher at their middle school and they're both tiny.

(Josh quickly makes sure people know that doesn't give them an excuse to push him or his boy around though.)

But then Tyler sees Eve Saito (dorky loser Eve Saito from the second grade who used to eat her boogers and drool over Josh) in PE and his whole world (that is really still his father's world) stops.

Eve Saito is no longer the loser Josh makes faces at in that moment.

And in that moment, Josh's heart snaps into another fraction he can't count.

he goes home and just wants to be okay after listening to Tyler _talkandsquealandsighandshiver_ about her. But his mom is sobbing at the dinner table and his dad is nowhere to be found.

he never asks what happened to him and his mom is perfectly fine the next day. Grandma moves in with them and looks at them both with sad eyes that look too much like Tyler's.

His whole world is falling apart all over again.

(Tyler hugs him tight and pinky swears not to tell anyone he left.)

Unlike his mom, Tyler never pretends like he didn't leave though. Tyler is always making sure Josh is okay and hugging him when he lies. It twists at Josh's heart and he has no doubts whatsoever that this isn't normal.

The way his heart flutters when Tyler smiles at him feels too much like when he kissed Devin Fitzpatrick in the third grade and like the way Daniel Strunk made him feel in kindergarten.

he tries to push the feelings down but then Tyler squeals about Eve Saito and her perfect smiles and everything hurts like a fresh wound.

It takes him three months to decide he must become complete iron to live with this. And sometimes that involves telling Tyler he doesn't really care that much when he's droning on and on about Eve Saito.

But the heart of iron disappears when Tyler swoons over Eve freaking Saito.

His heart is bleeding rust into his veins and his bones of steel are cracking. Then Tyler is sighing about her (even though she's a little creep who stared at Josh’s butt last week) and he has to roll his eyes. he does and it feels like his skull is splitting with the effort.

For Tyler's birthday, he gets him a lock and attaches a note he thinks is too embarrassingly cheesy but he knows Tyler will like that. It talks about how he is Tyler's diary and tells him that he can tell him anything because that's what best friends are for.

Tyler hugs him tightly and tells him all about how Eve Saito makes his heart just melt and Josh feels sick but this is what he promised so he smiles and tells Tyler that anything that makes him happy is okay. Even if Eve Saito checks his ass out again in sixth period and Tyler loses his lanyard and keychain during PE because of her (he's too distracted to see it fall off during volleyball and they don't find it after three hours of searching and Tyler cries because he lost the reminder of their friendship that Josh's mom bought him until Josh takes him to get ice cream and tells him it's okay, he doesn't need it to prove their friendship).

he stays awake all night wondering why his dad left. he sobs for the first time in months when he considers the possibility it was because he likes boys and not girls like Tyler does.

(he'd heard stories from Debby Ryan about how her dad still hasn't warmed up to her being a lesbian, so it doesn't seem like a stretch.)

Grandma comes and hugs him and offers soothing words until he stops shaking (his mom doesn't come the way Kelly would've because she's working _latelatelate_ again and it makes Josh cry a little harder). They just sit there, breathing in the silence for awhile. Grandma asks if Josh wants him to call Tyler. The answer is yes, a thousand times yes.

It doesn't make him feel better the way it should and then he feels guilty about the homework he hasn't done.

he barely passes history and math but at least he survives his world being destroyed.

**v. he falls into place in jenna black's lap and she makes him too happy**

he thinks he hates Jenna Black the most of all of Tyler's crushes. he knows that's only because he can't find a good reason to hate her.

She's good for Tyler. She makes him happy. She’s loyal. She won't take advantage of him. She's sweet to him. He's aware of his feelings and considerate of him. He is everything Josh could ask for for his best friend (the most important person in the world to him).

That crushes anything reminiscent of hope inside him.

The absolute worst part of Jenna Black (it still isn't actually bad and that frustrates him) is that she doesn't just take his insults. She returns them like it's a game. he wants to rip his hair out and hit her until she cries like she makes him want to.

But maybe it's Tyler who makes him want to cry. he doesn't know anymore.

All he knows is that he doesn't feel like he should about any of this.

he hates himself a little more than he hates her the day he leaves Tyler all alone at lunch. Of course, Tyler isn't really all alone. Lynn and Jenna sit with him and make him laugh and smile (and he laughs and smiles differently at Jenna). But they all know it's not the same as his best friend making him laugh and smile.

Josh wishes he could say he left for a good reason. But making out with Devin Fitzpatrick and tangling his hands in those blonde, silky curls (he likes the feel of straight locks a lot more and part of him knows it's because of the day he met Tyler Joseph) in the janitor's closet is not a good reason to abandon your best friend.

The worst part about it is that he never tells Tyler the truth about why he left.

(he hates that he likes boys too much to admit it.)

he also never tells Tyler that he had come back for him before lunch ended but then he saw how happy he was with Jenna Black (and Lynn, but he never really thinks about Lynn) and hid in the library.

he cried to Mr. Joseph and said it was about how he felt like Jenna Black was going to take his boy. He told him he was worried about the same thing and they bonded but it made Josh feel empty in a way. he thinks it was making him swear to not tell Tyler about it that emptied him.

The realization that Jenna Black can make him _happyhappyhappy_ (which is all he's ever wanted so why does it hurt so much?) and that Tyler might love her a little bit hits him when he sees them in the public library that night.

If Lynn understood that he liked boys, he would've cried to her then and there. But he has a heart of iron and all the understanding of a newborn baby. Nothing happens between him and her but he watches something unfold between Jenna Black and Tyler Joseph and tries to be okay.

The first thing he draws in Mr. Joseph' sketchbook is Tyler getting married to Jenna Black in a fairy tale wedding. Then he texts Devin Fitzpatrick with the phone Mr. Joseph was kind enough to buy him (he feels like the father he craves and he thinks he did this because of Jenna Black) and they end up going on a date.

It's another thing he never tells Tyler.

(Part of him wishes he would just to see what would happen.)

The year isn't complete hell even though Jenna Black asks Tyler out (he'd pushed her to and told her he had his blessing but it still hurts) and Tyler kisses her and he has to go out with Lynn.

he finally likes a girl and he feels normal for once in his life! he writes his dad a letter that tells him about it and how happy Tyler is with Jenna Black and how he's _sososo_ happy for his best friend.

The worst part is that he knows it won't make him come back (but then again, at least he's finally normal.)

**vi. he dates melanie martinez and she shows him beautiful things**

They're juniors when Tyler loses his virginity. It's to the senior he's been dating all summer, for exactly three months, two week, and six days (not that Josh has counted since she asked his best friend out without his permission) and he's happy with this.

Josh isn't. At least Jenna Black would've talked to him about it to make sure he was okay with it.

Melanie Martinez (but Tyler calls her Mel) doesn't understand that Josh Dun is every much a part of her relationship as she and Tyler Joseph are the way Jenna Black did and that makes him wanna punch her in the face.

But it wasn't until she laughed at how protective he is of the friendship bracelet Tyler bought him that Josh hated him. She was nice enough but she didn't get it at all.

It didn't help Josh that he still liked Ashley but that didn't make him straight (Tyler still makes his heart race when they hold hands). It occurs to him that he could've liked Melanie Martinez if she hadn't been dating his boy.

he became friends with Debby Ryan once Tyler stopped liking her after all (she went on a double date with him and Devin Fitzpatrick just three weeks ago).

Josh comes out—god knows as what—(with lots of encouragement from Debby Ryan and his ever so understanding boyfriend) to the entire school at homecoming and everyone applauds and Tyler jumps into his best friend's arms and asks why he didn't get to know sooner.

Melanie Martinez laughs at how affectionate her boyfriend is towards his best friend and Josh's boyfriend grabs his hand and they dance. he decides he's a horrible, horrible person for feeling Tyler's soft little hands on him still.

Afterwards they have a sleepover with just them (though Jenna Black and Lynn stop by to share chocolate covered strawberries) and Tyler giggles too much about how she showed him constellations he didn't know and named stars he'd never thought of as more than far off happy ever afters. Josh hums absentmindedly and draws all of the night sky for Tyler as he talks and talks.

They all go camping together that weekend (they bring Devin and Jenna and Lynn and Melanie with them) and she shows his boy pretty flowers and they go hiking too early for anyone else to go too. Josh hates the way Tyler talks about everything they saw together and all the birds and paths.

he almost pukes, he feels so awful.

Instead he kisses Devin Fitzpatrick as sweetly as they did in kindergarten as they make s'mores. The fire sounds too much the warmth in Tyler's voice.

Lynn passes out and later says she's happy her boys are happy (Josh secretly hates the way she calls Tyler her boy) and Jenna Black agrees even though her eyes linger a little too long on Tyler. They did date for almost three years.

The reminder makes Josh wanna scream.

he Googles what he is that Monday and there are endless articles about bisexuality and pansexuality and his brain has never felt so fried. It crosses his mind that his entire life would've been so much easier if he only liked girls like Ashley Fragipane and he writes another letter to his dad about how confused he is right now.

Like the last letter, he doesn't respond.

His mom is late home again and Grandma gives him another blanket for comfort. "This house is not a home," he whispers into the darkness.

As he falls asleep, his eyelids show her all the beautiful things Tyler talked to him about Melanie Martinez showing him. It's a restless night no matter how heavy his eyes become.

The next day, Tyler's _widewidewide_ eyes are crying the same tears Josh hated to see. Melanie Martinez was cheating on him.

Josh punches her so hard his pathetic little fists bruise and his knuckles bleed.

he looks right into Tyler's eyes, wider than distance, and promises Melanie Martinez won't hurt him again.

(he prays he isn't lying.)

**vii. he kisses lana del rey and she makes his stomach flip**

Tyler meets a girl at an amusement park in senior year and she goes to a school near theirs. Josh almost likes her and then she kisses Tyler and he wants to break her.

Tyler tells him all about how his stomach is still bubbly like after he kissed Jenna Black and how he thinks he might love Lana Del Rey and her long dark hair and eyes.

Josh has never wanted to hide under his bed and scream until his throat is hoarse so badly. But he isn't five anymore and he knows this won't solve anything so he just smiles like it doesn't kill him.

he cries to Debby Ryan later and she holds him even though they both know she should be telling him to break up with Devin Fitzpatrick.

(She tells him that later and he does with tears in her eyes and more "I'm sorry"'s than he can count.)

he's almost okay again and then he finds out that Grandma has cancer and he breaks down. His mom still isn't home on time to hold him so Grandma does.

he writes another letter to his dad about how fucking scared he is now and he still doesn't write back.

Tyler holds him tight all night when he finds out. The brunette cries like Grandma is his own grandma and Josh thinks it makes him feel better.

Then he sees Lana Del Rey hugging Tyler and telling him that it's okay after school one day. he knows right away that it's about Grandma.

His dad gets sent yet another letter he doesn't reply to.

Depressed and with bullets in his heart of iron, he goes to Patrick Stump because he thinks he'll understand (he usually does). he ends up drunk and telling him everything. It breaks his heart that he understands because he loved Mr. Joseph that way before Elisa and when he tells him even more about how broken up his family was.

They cry and drink together even though he grumbles about how he shouldn't let him drink (he says it's like pouring salt water into his bleeding veins and that he's an awful father for it and he hugs him because he hasn't had a dad in so long).

He tells Mr. Joseph about it (but leaves out the details neither of them want him to hear) and Mr. Joseph hugs his other little boy and tells him it's going to be okay even if it hurts now.

he thinks the thing that kills him is that Mr. Joseph and him end up exchanging too many secrets and suddenly he knows that he loved Patrick at one point too.

Tyler and Lana cuddle in front of him on the couch as they watch movies with Jordan (who's too grown up now and still with Liv). His heart is bleeding out but at least he has a dad (or maybe dads) now. he knows he has a mom in Kelly and he wishes he had one in his own mother too.

They get the call that Grandma died and Tyler clings to Lana Del Rey with one hand and his best friend with the other. Jordan joins in their tears and Lana makes him smile afterwards so Josh doesn't hate her too much.

he still wants to claw his own eyes out when she kisses his boy though.

Josh thinks it's strange that Tyler doesn't take Lana to the funeral with him (but he thinks it's out of respect) and that his body curls into Jenna Black's as Lynn holds his hand and they just cry. Josh is torn from his dads and mom to be in the embrace and he thinks he's kind of okay again.

Then he sees Jordan crying in his girlfriend's arms and his real mom sobbing and his dads and other mom holding each other and Josh knows what it feels like to have your heart ripped from between your ribs.

_he'snotokayhe'snotokayhe'snotokay._

he writes one last letter to his dad and he doesn't write back one last time.

Jenna Black drives him to the middle school afterwards and they sit in the field in the pouring rain, not talking. They simply understand each other. They understand the way they both look at Tyler and they understand that he is their boy.

He steps on something and he screams when he sees what it is.

His friendship bracelet feels heavier than ever on his hand when he picks up the rusting keychain. The lanyard’s missing but the picture is still intact and he doesn't quite know what he feels. But then he's shaking and crying in Jenna Black's arms and thanking her and calling her an angel and she's laughing and crying with him because she simply understands.

They give it back to Tyler together and he cries too and he smiles so wide (Josh swears it's wider than distance, like those doe eyes) it hurts.

Lynn hears all the commotion and stops by and they end up calling Josh's real mom together and telling her what happened and none of them have been this happy since before Grandma was diagnosed.

Josh's real mom cooks him dinner that night and they celebrate.

he really thinks he'll be okay so he uses the wish he doesn't believe in on Tyler, not himself. It feels just like being a little kid again when he wishes on the shooting star.

"I wish Tyler will stay bubbly," he says. His mom smiles softly like she knows and Josh almost feels bad. Instead he comes out to his mom as bisexual.

(he'd talked it over with Kelly and Mr. Joseph and Patrick and he knew now.)

His wish comes true in the worst way, like it always has.

he walks in on Lana’s tongue down Tyler's throat and knows about the bubbly butterflies in his best friend's stomach and he wants to cry.

Instead he calls Ashley Fragipane and ends up sticking his tongue down her throat. he doesn't feel any better.

he feels even worse when he walks in on Lana Del Rey with her tongue down another boy’s throat and has to tell Tyler why he kicked her in her crotch and slammed her into a pole.

Tyler forgives her because "it was an accident" unlike Melanie Martinez and her two other boyfriends.

Debby Ryan comforts Josh the same way he comforts Tyler and it's okay until they see Tyler and Lana Del Rey kissing sweetly with cotton candy.

(She holds his hand and tells him to be brave but he's already iron.)

**viii. he goes to college with Lynn Gunn and she romances him**

They don't go to the same college and that's okay. Tyler goes to Arizona State for psychology because he wants to help people and Josh goes to Steinhardt for art therapy and they FaceTime every day and _laughandlaughandlaugh._

Lana cheated again so Tyler dumped her and they're both okay with that because she's going to some community college far away from them both.

Josh thinks he's okay being this far from his best friend until his best friend starts talking about Lynn Gunn like she's the world. Apparently it started when he took her to prom (which is a _longlonglong_ story that upsets Jenna Black and Josh Dun both). Josh stops being content with being so far from his best friend the moment Tyler sighs about her.

he wishes so badly that Lynn Gunn had gone to Harvard or Yale like she should've (she got accepted into both but instead she chose Arizona State because of Tyler).

he cries to Debby Ryan (and he thanks the Lord and all the night sky that she got accepted into Steinhardt too) and she whispers calming things into his hair like Grandma would've and his mom had just started learning to.

It's almost okay.

Then Jenna Black (who got into the New York University School of Medicine) comes to his campus to tell him Lynn Gunn had asked for her permission to ask out Tyler.

They both drink too much and lean on each other for comfort that night.

Lynn Gunn asks Josh for his blessing that morning.

he hates himself for giving it but would hate himself even more if he didn't. he can't stand the way it sounds when Tyler cries.

It kills him to hear about how great Lynn Gunn is later.

It kills Jenna Black too, the day they're all on FaceTime and Tyler and Lynn Gunn are too cute together he cries after they hang up. He kisses Jenna but it doesn't feel like anything so they both apologize.

"Why do you think you still love him?" Josh asks her.

"Probably the same reasons you still love him," she murmurs, "I've never really thought about it. I mean, he's beautiful and he always wants to help everyone and he fixed me, he made my secrets okay and my flaws beautiful, he makes people so happy and that makes me want him to never be unhappy . . ."

"Yeah, that's Tyler," he replies. he's never been very good with his words.

"Hey, Josh," she says.

"Yeah, sundance?" he turns his head.

"Can you draw me a picture of why you love her?" She asks. he isn't sure why he says yes but he does.

Debby Ryan tells him it's a bad idea and he knows she's right but he does it anyways.

It makes him cry so he calls Patrick and he comforts him. he hears Kelly's voice telling him to pick himself up because it's going to be okay one day and Mr. Joseph (he's finds it funny that he still calls him Mr. Joseph even though it's been so long since he was his teacher and he's one of his dads) telling him that he's gotta do good now and make them even prouder of him. Then he hears his real mom tell him she loves him and wants him to do better than her.

he's determined to do this so he calls Tyler that day and listens to him _talkandtalkandtalk_ about Lynn Gunn the way he used to _talkandtalkandtalk_ about Alice Gordon and Debby Ryan and Eve Saito and Jenna Black and Melanie Martinez and Lana Del Rey. It still hurts but now it's somehow better.

She sounds like a great girlfriend, at the very least. She's taken him to see plays and Broadway shows (they'd come to visit New York a few times) and to private concerts and all kinds of wonderfully romantic things Tyler has always dreamed of. It's strange to think that maybe she's Cinderella and not Jenna Black like he'd always thought.

he redraws Tyler's fairy tale wedding that night and there's a familiar longing in him.

Jenna Black and Lynn Gunn never find out that he's imagined both of them as Tyler Joseph's Cinderella.

(And absolutely no one but him ever knows he tries drawing himself as Tyler's Prince Charming and it doesn't work out.)

**viv. you watch him marry cinderella and it hurts so much**

Somewhere along the way, he realized he still loved Jenna Black. Lynn Gunn was okay with this and, unlike Josh Dun, she was genuinely happy for her best friend Tyler.

Jenna Black had asked Josh for his permission before she had even asked Mr. Joseph before proposing.

She had told him he didn't have to say yes just because it was her and Josh wished he hadn't. But he wasn't selfish enough to take that happiness from them.

he said it was okay.

he hates himself as he stands next to the ring barer and across from Lynn Gunn (of course, they were the best man and maid of honor). he hates himself for saying yes, for wishing he'd said no, for loving Tyler so much, for not being Prince Charming for everything.

But he smiles because Tyler is smiling so much and Jenna Black has never looked so utterly, helplessly in love.

he's happy for them, really. But he also hurts so damn much.

Patrick looks like he wants to cry for both his little boys from his seat and Mr. Joseph looks like he isn't sure if he wants to kill Jenna Black or hug his son. Then he looks at Josh and his eyes are soft and hurting every bit as much as he thinks he must be. Josh can tell Kelly wants to run up and hug them both. His real mom is halfway in tears already.

he tries not to cry too.

It turns out Tyler cries enough for the both of them during the vows. Jenna Black asks him if he remembers what she said on their first date. About those moments you know you'll remember forever. he nods so much his neck looks like it'll break and she smiles and tells him that her last one was the moment he asked Josh Dun for permission to ask his best friend to marry her, and that now, this is undoubtedly one of them, that is going to be the best one in her entire life.

he tearfully tells him that he's so, so happy his best friend in the entire world pushed him into her lap that day on the tram. Tells her all the cheesy things only Tyler would say and says he's glad he's kept his deal with Josh to never settle for less than Canada and mentions the day she and Josh found his keychain and then he says that that's the day he knew he and her were soulmates.

Josh thinks he can actually feel his iron heart shattering.

It breaks down even further when Tyler tells Jenna Black that she was his fifth crush, that that is why five is his favorite number, and she tells him he was his fifth crush too and then Josh sees the number engraved on their wedding rings.

And the number is on Tyler's finger and Josh almost cries. Then he sees Lynn crying (but it's tears of joy and pain) and he says screw it and cries too.

"Hey, other one," Lynn says to him with a soft smile that sends him back to seventh grade when things were simpler.

"Hey, Gunn," he nods.

"Wanna dance?" She asks.

"Sure," he shrugs.

They spin and they talk and they laugh like they're kids again. And then Tyler wants a dance with his best friend and Jenna Black dances with hers.

"I love you," Tyler smiles.

"I love you too, Mr. Black," Josh smiles right back. he resists the urge to make a joke about what Jenna Black would say if she heard her husband say such a thing.

"Shut up," the brunette giggles.

"Nah, you always liked when I called you that. And when I called her Jenna Joseph," he sticks his tongue out.

"It was ten years ago," the other boy whines.

They tease each other like that for three songs straight and Josh thinks this is his moment to never forget. That thought makes him want to cry all over again. Instead he dances with Patrick and then Mr. Joseph and then he sits with his moms and holds their hands like everything is going to be alright.

Jenna Black asks him to dance and he says yes because he can't stop saying yes to the stupid angel. She thanks him a thousand times over and tells him she's so so sorry and hopes he can forgive her one day and promises to help him find someone who makes him happy. he ends up dancing with Ashley Fragipane next and kissing her.

Tyler gives him a thumbs up and he excuses himself.

When he grabs hold of Tyler's hand, the wedding ring feels strange against his fingers. They talk and he makes sure it's okay and then he continues dancing with Ashley Fragipane like she's Tyler. he feels like an awful person but Debby Ryan tells him it's okay because he has feelings for Ashley Fragipane.

he feels queasy when he counts over how many girls Tyler Joseph has liked after realizing Jenna Black being number five didn't seem right. No matter how he counts it, Jenna Black is number four.

Tyler Joseph has things he never told Josh Dun.

(he's a hypocrite as this makes him vomit.)


	2. he dreams of happy ever after.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he grows up trying to love someone else.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [i'd say i'm sorry for this, but i'm not.]

**i. you're shorter than him when he saves your life**

Tyler Joseph must be honest, he doesn't really remember meeting Josh Dun. To him, it's as simple as Josh always being there. He knows what happened, of course, he just doesn't remember anything but the way his heart broke when Josh smiled.

(Maybe he just suppresses the memory because it's easier than knowing he was unwanted by Josh for a long time.)

he tries desperately to squint into his brain but all he ever remembers is not being able to breathe, hearing what he'd thought was an angel, and that sad, sad smile.

It still makes his heart skip a beat.

(And truthfully, he's always known he was different like that.)

**ii. alice gordon talks funny but her eyes remind you of his**

he really does like Alice Gordon. he's not one of those cliches Josh hates that pretends to like girls when he really craves the touch of his best friend. It takes him awhile because his parents have taught him that love does not just click into place one day.

Josh has always protected him from bullies and the evil that takes advantage of star eyed little boys who believe in fairies and all the angels that sing.

But Tyler cannot protect Josh from all the coughing and snot and so his best friend gets sick one day and there is no one to protect him from the evils of the first grade. A girl who his mommy tells his probably just has a crush on him and is embarrassed is picking on him again.

(he feels ugly when she insults his dark eyes but pretty when Josh tells him he likes them.)

And then Alice Gordon is on top of her, in a pile of limbs and hitting and screams that she needs to leave Tyler alone. It's not the first time he feels like a damsel in distress but it's the first time he feels like he has a princess to rescue him and not a prince.

he knows damsels in distress are supposed to be girls who end up with princes who scale high towers and slay dragons and climb up the damsel's hair.

(Much later he doesn't particularly like that notion because damsels in distress can be boys too, and maybe he doesn't want a princess, but a prince he can’t have.)

Alice Gordon has a black eye and a time out afterwards but he writes her a thank you note he never has the courage to give her.

Her eyes shine the same way Josh's do and her hair is the same shade of brown and she protects him like he does but she lacks the teasing smirk that looks a lot like home.

It's when he gets the keychain with a picture of him and Josh that she finally talks to him and thanks him with a kiss on his cheek that makes both their faces burn. He compliments the bracelet and he stutters through rambles about nothing that he rambles to Josh about.

he doesn't think Josh likes Alice Gordon too much though (it's the pencils) so he eventually shuts up about him.

**iii. Debby Ryan teases you like he would**

Josh tells his it's a miracle he can stand properly ( _weaklegstogowithdoeeyes_ , he thinks he hears Josh whisper once) so he's not surprised—just _veryveryvery_ embarrassed—when he literally runs into Debby Ryan.

Then she says all the right—Josh—things to say and he's blushing even harder.

She's absolutely perfect because she's funny and quick witted and she smirks like Josh does. But he realizes why he likes her and he says nothing to Josh about it.

he says nothing for the longest time (really, it's only a week but hiding things from Josh feels like eternity) and it's not until the curly haired boy forces him to with that smirk that looks like home that it all comes spilling out.

If he was more observant he would realize that Josh hates Debby Ryan like he hated Alice Gordon.

he's much too shy to talk to Debby Ryan and Josh hates that more. Even starry eyed Tyler Joseph knows that.

The day Josh forces him to talk to Debby Ryan is one of the best days in his life, even when he stutters through too much rambling. he rambles on about it to Josh, picturing her smirk (but it's his smirk, even with blonde hair and dark eyes).

Later, he concludes that Debby Ryan doesn't like him like he likes her (the funny, quick witted side of Josh, he realizes, like how Alice Gordon was the gruff, protective side of him—he thinks something in between would be just right because that's Josh) no matter how many times Josh insists her face was redder than Daniel Strunk's hair.

he still isn't over Debby Ryan and her teasing smirk though.

It's her admitting she wants a princess and not a prince that does it.

(Maybe it also makes him feel okay about _maybepossiblyperhaps_ wanting a prince.)

**iv. eve saito has strong arms you think would feel like his**

his daddy is a teacher at their new school but he still doesn’t call him Mr. Joseph because that’s too weird. Josh’s daddy is _longlonggone_ and he’s never felt guiltier for having his father so close.

Even though he’s holding Josh, all he can think of is the warmth of home and the shampoo that smells like everything he knows.

(he’s never done the saving before now but he thinks he really likes it. he thinks he’ll like fixing people more.)

But he likes Eve Saito now so he later wonders if her arms feel this warm.

he hugs her once, during PE after she scores a goal (he doesn’t know the exact term for it because he’s never liked football). Her arms feel nothing like Josh’s but her smile looks like a much happier version of the one from all those _yearsandyears_ ago when he almost drowned.

It’s enough so he clings to his crush on her.

(Deep down, he knows she is no princess and he doesn’t think he’s anyone’s prince.)

Later, Josh promises to be his diary like he isn’t already. Tyler doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Instead, he mentally promises to be Josh’s diary too.

(he’s never thought of himself as the knight in his fairy tales.

Maybe guys who aren’t princes can save people too, he still isn’t quite sure.)

They stay up all night and talk about Eve Saito. At the crack of dawn, Josh cries over his father. he clings to his best friend for an entire hour and Tyler cries too.

The tears are as gone as the sad, sad smile from ages ago the next day and Tyler wonders what promise his best friend has made himself this time. he hates that the other boy has so many tears he refuses to cry.

Tyler starts to hate his starry eyes because Josh’s are still so broken. he knows he would steal all the stars and the moons if it meant Josh would never ever ever hurt again.

he also knows he can’t.

Being the knight is hard work and he knows how long Josh has done it so he lets Josh be the damsel instead (but he still cries too much when he loses the keychain—he thinks that's when he stops liking Eve Saito so much).

Eve Saito isn’t a princess so he doesn’t need to be a prince now.

**v. jenna black is all the inbetweens of alice gordon and debby ryan that he is**

She's the first girl he ever loves. It's not love right from the start but when she truly unfolds herself and divulges her secrets to his, Tyler Joseph falls in love with Jenna Black.

he knows she will not be the last girl even though it feels like it sometimes.

(It's entirely because she is the shades of gray between Alice Gordon and Debby Ryan that become Josh Dun.)

he sees the warmth in her eyes that he's searched for alongside the brokenness in Josh's. he sees the banter she shares with his best friend (who he knows hates her but he can't linger on it too much). he sees the protective anger against bullies that Josh has always carried with him. She doesn't have the teasing smirk or the same shade of hair or the same warmth in his arms but she's charming and funny and sweet and she makes him feel _sososo_ much.

It's not the first time he's been in love (he's still in love, yes, he knows that) but it's the only time he's gotten to talk about it and the first time he's found Cinderella.

Of course, he knows about the night that they get too drunk at that party (he can remember dancing wildly with Josh in ways best friends aren't supposed to and getting lost in the crowd of people) and they wound up fucking. he doesn't know if they remember it but he does. he'd walked a still drunk and bleeding Josh out of the room and given him his jacket and nurtured the alcohol out of his system and cleaned him up (they showered together like they had when they were younger but Tyler will never speak of it) and then taken him to see a musical. It often occurs to him that maybe he should've walked Jenna Black out instead because isn't he supposed to love his girlfriend with all of his heart?

he doesn't break up with her for it (they're only ninth graders and they've just barely started dating and he loves her too much to not forgive what she doesn't even know she did) but it is the first time his heart is _trulytrulytruly_ broken.

They both broke it.

(But he never ever blames Josh because Josh would never hurt his like that.

Besides, he's had enough painful reminders that Josh likes Ashley to know.)

he never stops carrying the burden of their secret alone.

Instead he breaks up with her in tenth grade with sweet, sugary kisses and his hand finds the warmth of Josh's.

**vi. melanie martinez is almost nothing like him but you need to get over it**

he starts dating Melanie Martinez just because she's cute and funny.

There's no real reason to it. Just a simple, mindless infatuation. She shows him pretty things like constellations and flowers and speaks Shakespeare and little things like that but he doesn't think that's why he likes her. he just thinks that's nice.

(he gives her his virginity anyways because Josh comes out with his boyfriend, Devin Fitzpatrick, and he just wants to feel.)

It's afterwards that he grows attached to her and afterwards that she breaks his heart even more than Josh has.

Josh who promised to never hurt him. Josh who swore to tell him these things. Josh who broke him. Josh who is broken. Josh who he danced with. Josh who he wants so badly to kiss again (it happened once during truth or dare in middle school and a few times when they were little because he was so in love with fairy tales).

he's perfectly fine though.

Really, he is.

he just wishes Grandma (Josh’s grandma, really) would stop giving him those pitying looks like she knows how Tyler feels. They kill him a little bit more each time.

(There's the same hollowness as when he watches Josh smiling at Disneyland and all he can think of is the sad smile from all those years ago.)

The next time he kisses Melanie Martinez it makes him sad because she smells like a cologne he's never worn. Tyler Joseph is a lot of things but he's not stupid. He should've figured that out when she met him when he was a freshman and she was a sophomore.

(he recalls how they met at a Sadie Hawkins dance that he'd asked Josh to and not Jenna Black, she had seemed like the dragon in his fairy tale then.)

he cries to Josh about her cheating and suddenly Josh is the one saving him again. he hasn't been the damsel in distress in a while and it feels nice.

Josh makes Melanie Martinez bleed and cry like his heart is and everything is _okayokayokay._ But when Jenna Black hurts Melanie Martinez, it feels differently.

Maybe it's the lack of comforting promises.

**vii. lana del rey is the same kind of adventurous as him and you're addicted again**

The only thing really special about Lana Del Rey is that her lips taste like the chapstick Josh likes, and maybe that her eyes sparkle like his do.

Other than that, she's just a pretty girl with sweet words to tell him and soft hands to hold. he's fond of holding her hand as they run amuck around New York and every amusement park they can find. It feels like running around with Josh but she's much too tall and her shoulders are much too broad.

The high that is Lana Del Rey is gone with the wind the day Grandma is diagnosed though. It's probably what Grandma tells him that really breaks his heart if he's honest. (he's being too selfish again, of course.)

"Josh feels the same way about you." he'd heard it in Debby Ryan's eyes but it burns to hear from Grandma.

If he was a lot braver, if he was a lot more like Josh, he would've at least tried to kiss him.

Instead he does nothing but cry to Lana Del Rey a little bit and kiss her lips because they taste familiar. Too bad hugging her doesn't feel the same way holding Josh had. If he had just found a girl who felt that way, it would have saved him all the heartache of his sexuality which he's still not sure about.

The funeral is hell on earth as he clings to his dearest friends and Josh is pressed right against him, with one hand in Lynn's and the other in Jenna Black's. he catches glimpses of Jordan sobbing into a torn up Liv and his parents and Patrick clutching each other like it'll make a difference and Ms. Dun crying into herself. It's the worst sight carved into his eyes and it chases him into the car.

he tries to think of Jenna Black and Josh Dun and he thinks it's okay.

Then those stupid fucking words come back into his head and he remembers the blood down Josh's leg and he wants to die. It's too selfish to think.

At home, he reads fairy tales in a choking voice to Jordan and Liv even though they're not little kids anymore. They listen anyways.

And then he gets the best news in his entire life.

They found the keychain. They found the keychain. he kisses their cheeks and buries his face in Josh's neck and Jenna Black's chest and when Lynn comes he buries his hand in her’s and they call Ms. Dun and Jordan and Liv understand but barely as they dance about the room.

Lana Del Rey cheats and Josh beats him up again because she's the dragon and he's the knight. Tyler doesn't cry because her eyes still look like Josh's. She gets a second chance even though he knows she shouldn't.

The damsel dates the dragon.

(he regrets it like Josh warns.)

**viii. Lynn Gunn shows you the princess nature of Jenna Black**

It's strange and foreign even though she's always pursued him. Even though she went to prom with him. Even though he's known her for so so long. She has not a trace of Josh Dun but he's as princess-like as Jenna Black and she takes him to nice places and she's really grown up a lot.

he dates Lynn Gunn.

She's the second girl he falls in love with even though his heart still belongs to a boy.

It's nice and happy and fresh and feels like a dream come true to him even though he has never dreamt of this. At the very least he isn't settling with her, she is the exact thing that he had promised to never settle for less than.

She's the only girl who never cheats (even accidentally and without knowing) on him and he thinks that's sweet. he knows he shouldn't think that. Either way, she's a good princess. A very nice princess too.

he's still not observant enough to see the pain in Josh Dun or Jenna Black's eyes when he swoons to them about it.

They date for months and months before he sees. he only lets himself see the pain in Jenna Black's eyes because Grandma couldn't have been right.

Even if Josh had cried with his head nuzzled in Tyler's neck after dumping Devin Fitzpatrick.

he starts texting Jenna Black more and more. he apologizes to Lynn Gunn with intentions of breaking up with her when he realizes he's flirting. Instead Lynn Gunn breaks up with him and tells him she understands with a sugary sweet kiss on his cheek and no hard feelings whatsoever.

She was a good princess but Jenna Black is Cinderella.

It occurs briefly that Josh Dun is Prince Charming but he has to shake the thought before it gives his starry eyes false hope.

**viv. you say i do to her and he says nothing**

It burns him up inside when he's got butterflies and he's saying cheesy vows to her and Josh Dun just stands there, looking up at the sky. Tyler is blind to the tears his best friend is fighting back as he always has been.

he's genuinely happy to be marrying Jenna Black. he's wanted her to be Mrs. Tyler Joseph since he was in the seventh grade.

But his heart aches and he almost wishes Josh Dun would just say something.

"Speak now."

Starry eyes look towards broken eyes. They don't look back.

"Or forever."

Jenna Black squeezes his hand and he looks back to her with a smile. It feels like the smile from when they were little.

"Hold your."

 _Pleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomething_. he counts to four.

One. Josh Dun looks at him.

Two. Josh Dun smiles at him.

Three. Those eyes are sad.

"Peace."

Four.

. . .

Silence.

Josh Dun has no objections.

Lynn Gunn has no objections (she smiles so genuinely). Debby Ryan has no objections (even if she shifts like she wants to speak). Ms. Dun has no objections (despite the sadness in her eyes). Jordan Dun has no objections (he's threatened Ms. Black- or, Mrs. Joseph- enough already). Olivia Mcmanim has no objections (though she eyes Josh Dun like she wants him to speak).

Daddy has no objections (his eyes look empty and like he's lost). Mom has no objections (she sighs and looks down before smiling). Patrick Stump has no objections (just disappointment and memories). Ashley has no objections (just smiles of pride and a slight grimace of overprotection).

Papa has no objections (but he looks at Jenna Black funny). Grams has no objections (she's too busy crying over her grandson). Zack Joseph has no objections (he's smiling wider than ever).

In that moment, the whole world holds their peace. And Josh Dun doesn't breathe but Tyler Joseph never knows that.

They say their "I do"'s and he looks at Josh Dun before he kisses her.

She never sees his eyes leave her.

It kills him but through his smile (because he really is happy to marry her, just torn at what he wants) he swears to God he feels Josh's little smirk against his lips.

he pulls away with tender eyes and it's still Jenna Black.

But now she’s Jenna Joseph.

It occurs to him that he'd let himself say "fifth crush" in front of Josh Dun. he's terrified as he dances with his best friend but it feels like home.

Dancing with Jenna Black feels like safety but he's not sure he wants safety.

And "Jenna Joseph" doesn't sound as good as he'd thought it would. (he thinks he likes Tyler Dun or Josh Joseph a lot though.)

Maybe he should've come out a long, long time ago. Maybe it would've been okay. But he's already married and divorce is a messy business his parents would never approve of.

he's almost lost in his thoughts and the songs and dancing with Daddy and Mom and Ashley and his wife and Lynn Gunn and Jordan and Liv and everyone. Then he sees Josh Dun kissing Ashley and he wants to cry. he really does when Josh Dun starts counting.

Tyler Black hears his best friend puke and he sobs into his knees.

"See, Grandma? You were wrong."


	3. once more with feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she watches her childhood all over again.  
> it's the worst feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally updated this

**i. your little boy meets him and there's something like fire**

Her story had not gotten a happily ever after and yet she so foolishly told fairy tales to her little angel with Chris Joseph. She had always seen the twisting, writhing, the longing in their eyes. Even once they had confided their overness with the subject, it remained. It didn't take words for her to know. All it had ever taken was their eyes.

Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are no different.

From the moment they meet, Kelly Joseph can see it. Burning. Blazing. Thriving.

(She winces when she sees the ashes flash by.)

These stories never end well.

"Mama, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from the dinner table.

"It feels like fire from behind eyes," murmurs the Tender Shepherd before she wipes crumbs away from curious lips.

**ii.**   **the pencils they break with the heartache**

She can hear the pencils snapping from the kitchen as she cuts up a snack for them. Her Angel has done nothing but  _ talkandtalkandtalk _ of some Silly Little Girl he says he loves.

With the pencils, she hears the cracking and fracturing of the taller brunette's heart. Her eyes force in images of fresh, beating, pulsing pink and she can almost swear she hears Patrick's  _ whisperquiet  _ sobs and Chris's _ pillowmuffled _ tears.

The knife slices through her palm and she doesn't flinch at the blood. She flinches at her pity for the Other Little Boy.

That knight, singing a soft lullaby to the Angel, she feels her throat crack at the thought of telling him how the Other Little Boy feels the same, how their eyes share the fire.

She finds that she cannot find the words and so she merely tucks her son in and sighs at the door frame.

Ifonlyifonlyifonly.

(Why does she feel more helpless than before?)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from his bedspread.

"It feels like pink beating lines," murmurs the Tender Shepherd before she shuts the door neatly.

**iii.** **demons hide in locked hearts that hide in shut closets**

Her lips itch to spill all she has known to Chris.  _ YoubothstillloveeachotherJoshandTylerloveeachotherIcandonothing. _ Instead she watches as the Angel skips through the door and hums of feelings that are tucked in his eyes.

He says he thinks he loves another Silly Little Girl.

His eyes say his heart is sewn into the sleeve of his best friend and sealed with a chaste kiss.

Those starry doe eyes are  _ tootoo _ familiar and she recognizes the nights Chris still had those. (Sometimes, her mind believes Patrick had them once too before they broke and shattered.) They shine with feelings for another but still burns brightly the feelings for him.

It's only a few years before the Angel announces she likes girls and girls alone (as the Shepherd had much suspected in the way her eyes glistened). The Angel sobs that night and she knows now that her little boy doesn't know what to believe about his feelings.

She scrambles to find the key but she's misplaced it (it's between the teeth of her really) and the little boy's heart stays locked up too tightly for the entire night. Fresh in his eyes are the reflections of his scratched up heart with the Demon's claws bleeding from the wounds. It occurs to her that she shouldn't be checking the closet for monsters.

All she'll find is an Angel with a crown of confusion and big starry eyes asking why they've built him inside such a small space.

(There's a single loose brick he could push out of place but he doesn't ever see it.)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from inside the brick closet.

"It feels like torn up insides and hidden away keys," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from just outside.

**iv. he keeps his feelings boxed neatly on a shelf**

Sixth grade is the first time she suspects the Angel is only pretending to like a Silly Little Girl.

Her eyes aren't quite glistening the way they should. Chris's eyes were still pure starlight at this age (Patrick's were halfway dead as she recalls and she'd tried to help but really she couldn't do a damn thing). The Angel's eyes should be worn but starry, not forcing themselves  _ toshineandshinebright. _

His room is too neat and his everything is color coded and in perfect place. The Angel is beginning to learn how much that word means. He doesn't like what it does.

Questions are exchanged and answers are given too formally (to everyone but the Other Little Boy she suspects) for his heart to truly leap at the Silly Little Girl's smile.

She briefly believes Patrick reached this phase once but can't be sure.

(All she really remembers is being helpless to save anyone.)

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from his pretty little boxes.

"It doesn't feel like neat organization, it's chaos," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the derailed fairy tale.

**v. they** **_lacklacklack_ ** **that burning in their eyes**

The Angel finds a Princess instead of a Silly Little Girl this time. She's charming as can be and everything she could ask for for her little boy. But she doesn't quite see the fire in their eyes or the ripples in their touches.

(Perhaps this empty  _ thatsnotright  _ feeling ached in Patrick's bones once upon a time.)

She doesn't want to imagine how tossed aside the Other Little Boy feels behind that pearly little smile. But it flickers in her bones and she almost cries for her Other Little Boy. Instead she burns the proud smile on her lips that kills her just a tad.

All the Angel wants is Mommy and Daddy's approval, she knows this. It had been all Chris wanted when he'd had those starry eyes with the white hot burning. (She'd never gotten to ask Patrick what he had wanted. She'd only seen the hurting in those burning eyes at the sight of welded hands and fingers.)

She gives the heavens and the constellations her prayers for a happy ending this time.

It hurts them both that the Princess won't grant it.

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from under her arm.

"It feels like what you two have," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the bottom of her heart.

**vi. it's all sparkles and tears**

He's back to another Silly Little Girl (but this one is not so little and not so girlish). This one the Shepherd can see is only going to bring heartbreak and ruin though she can still say nothing. The Angel will not listen and the Other Little Boy will not hear.

All her silent warnings have fallen on deaf ears.

She waits in silence, her hand gripping and clinging to Chris's. Patrick tells her not to worry so much, _ sheseemslikeanicekid. _ A nice kid with no luster to her eyes, no fire to her veins, no heart to her chest. The Shepherd can only see the ending of this story as she watches the door for her Angel's return (she prays it will be with the Other Little Boy).

It's not the fairy tale ending either of them deserve. Hers has not been the fairy tale ending she had once imagined. She knows how badly this will hurt the Angel. She knows not how much this will kill and torture the Other Little Boy. She still has not asked Patrick.

(She keeps forgetting to remember how to speak when she wants to.)

It kills her when she's right and the Angel is sobbing into the Other Little Boy who is bloodied and bruised from acts he will not speak of. Their eyes are both fiery and broken tonight.

But there is the slightest trace of hope in the Other Little Boy's as the Angel nuzzles into him.

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from the back of his choked throat.

"It feels like fire and hope," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the center of her weighted heart.

**vii. she's almost familiar until she sees her eyes**

His next Silly Little Girl is close. Not close to the Princess but to the Other Little Boy. She's much too tall and broadened but she is close. Welded in her is the same inferno as in him. But her eyes are not right.

Her eyes do not burn. Not even a little. They have intentions she does not wish to see in anyone's eyes. Intentions the not so girlish Silly Little Girl had had.

Screams of warnings are lost in her throat quickly though.

Grandma is dying.

When she is dead, the Silly Little Girl does not come to comfort the Angel or show her respects to the Other Little Boy. She knows the Angel has asked her. She knows she promised she would. She knows she will lie as to why she didn't.

Her voice will not let her warn the Angel.

The angel clings to the princess and the other little boy and Lynn. It's more than just Grandma and grief and heartache. It is betrayal and confusion and loathing and past broken hearts and urges to kiss the Other Little Boy. Still she can say nothing.

Instead she prays the Other Little Boy will know and they can be happy.

(It doesn't work that way and even when the Silly Little Girl cheats she is granted a second chance because she is almost like the Other Little Boy.)

Patrick and Chris were the same way.

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from behind a closed door.

"It feels like always being there," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the floor.

**viii. he goes far far away to find his kingdom**

The Shepherd only receives messages about what is happening while her Angel is away. Lynn Gunn has grown to be a Princess (she is not surprised, she had seen it the day they had gone to prom together). She has had the fire in her eyes for quite some time.

She's almost pleased.

Almost.

(But the Angel does not return the fire to her and the Other Little Boy is broken in pieces with the Other Princess.)

From what she is relayed, they are happy and perfect and dancing and smiling. From the Other Little Boy's eyes, it is all true. From her Angel's eyes, he is still  _ inloveinloveinlove _ and he thinks he understands now.

The Shepherd knows he doesn't.

He would be with the Other Little Boy if that were true. The same way Patrick and Chris would have been together if they had understood they both had (have) the fire in their eyes. (Briefly she wonders if they see the fire in the little boys' eyes.)

Her thoughts leave a bitter taste in her mouth. She drowns with a bottle of Patrick's favorite liquor. A drunken haze of rights and wrongs and wishes that it was black and white and moments she should have said it and moments she lied by omission swirl in the bottle.

It leaves her wondering where she would be left if Patrick and Chris had. Where she'll be if the Angel and the Other Little Boy do.

Nowhere.

She is nothing without them. They will leave her. Of course, they will leave her. She will be nothing. She would've been nothing. Alone. Loveless. On her own, with just a bottle of liquor to soothe her.

On second thought, it's not all that soothing and she can't see why it's his crutch.

Fairy tales, she decides, fairy tales are much better.

(The angel has been using them for far too long.)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel on the phone in a giggling fit.

"It feels like your kingdom," the Tender Shepherd murmurs with alcohol in her veins.

**viv. the look in his eyes is that of his all those years ago**

It's his wedding day. The Shepherd knows this is meant to be the happiest day of his entire life. It's supposed to be his fairy tale ending. Isn't it happily ever after from here?

I wish, I wish, she muses. Hers hasn't been. Even though she thinks she can see the burning in Chris's eyes for her.

The Shepherd still sees the Angel’s longing glances at the Other Little Boy. The Shepherd still sees the sadness in his eyes. The Shepherd still sees the burning. In both of them. Princess Cinderella, the one she never thought was a Silly Little Girl, doesn't notice.

(Or she does like she did and pretends not to.

She'll hate herself later, if that's the case.

She suspects it is.)

There's the briefest of broken fire in Chris and Patrick's eyes as they look at each other. It almost breaks her. But it's her little boy's big day, she can't linger on the past. Or the present.

Or the tears her Other Little Boy is biting back.

Princess Cinderella and the Angel kiss and all should be well now. Why isn't it? Why couldn't the Angel see the Other Little Boy loves her too? Why couldn't Chris and Patrick be happy? Why couldn't the Shepherd be enough? All she ever had to do was speak now.

"Forever holding your peace, Josh?"

With a tear stained shake of his head, the Other Little Boy breaks down. It's only a second and then it's gone.

"It's okay, I'll never know how badly it hurts you but I know you just want him to be happy. Don't you deserve happiness too?" She wishes she would shut up.

"I dunno. Maybe. With Lynn, if she still likes me. Or Ashley. I still like her," he admits softly.

"You do. My little boys both deserve the world. Go get it, hon. You're pretty fierce," the Shepherd says with a sort of finality. The Other Little Boy is quick to lose himself in a hug, or maybe in the memories. The Shepherd can never tell.

Later, as they dance, as they have something like happiness (she prays it won't be the last bit), she walks to Patrick. She asks him how it felt. How it hurt. She thinks it's for the Other Little Boy but maybe it's for her.

"Like having my heart ripped out . . . And giving it to him. To both of you," he murmurs over a cup of champagne.

"Put the drink down, honey," she pleads. It clinks against the table. His head falls in place on her shoulder. They both cry. "Do . . . Do you think Jenna will hate herself too?" She whispers.

(They both know the answer.)

"Mama . . . What does love feel like?" whispers the Angel in his wedding tuxedo, with tears in his eyes.

"It feels hopeless," murmurs the Tender Shepherd.

"Oh," the Angel says. The Shepherd can hear his heart breaking.


	4. miracles don't happen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she marries the guy she loves but it all goes to shit.

**i. you're 29 and he's 28**

It's cold and not just because half of her ass hangs out of this stupid hospital gown. Tyler Joseph doesn't hold her hand tight as he can and he doesn't cry warm tears on her chest. There have been months to get used to this and accept that cancer is killing her but she had hoped for at least sniffling on her deathbed.

"I'm sorry we couldn't have kids," she whispers, not looking at him. It occurs to her that she'll miss his birthday again.

he doesn't say anything for a minute. his throat doesn't clear itself and he doesn't creak in that chair. "I don't need kids at 28, Jenna." She imagines he's twisting the ring on his finger and tries to not think he's taking it off.

"Ty, it's just ... I know you want them and I do—did too," the truth is suffocating but she says it anyways.

his lips are cold at her cheek but she welcomes them anyways. he's thinking about his best friend and she has to be okay with that. Too much has changed for her not to be.

If it's out of love or pity, she doesn't know, but he stays at her side and twists their fingers together. It's the most affection they've shared in she doesn't know how long but that doesn't matter if it's the last. She had wanted the last to be a kiss to last for the next ten minutes, or the next ten lifetimes, or forever if that's how she died—with his lips on her’s.

They haven't kissed like that in awhile.

"Tyler?" It's soft and scared but so is she.

he rests his head onto her chest in reply.

"Kiss me, one last time?"

his head shakes and it feels like needles in her lungs. "Not the last time," he whispers. When was the last time then? A peck before cancer? Fierce lips in a fight? With another's taste mixed in their mouths?

They fell apart too fast to fix it.

"Ring power?" She pleads.

he sobs but not for her on her fucking death bed. "I love you," he tells her. It's her’s and her’s alone this time but she knows things are different now.

"I love you," she cradles him, "I loved you so hard, God, Tyler Joseph, I loved you so much."

(It's too late to tell him to be Mr. Tyler Dun.)

**ii. you're both 28**

he waited up in her head. (he went out with Josh in reality.) he left a sweet note with a heart in her head. (he left an ice cold plate of chicken and mashed potatoes in reality.) he fell asleep on the couch in his flannel in her head. (he's laughing with his best friend in reality.)

She wants them to be perfect again. She wants to come home on time again. Fuck. Why does she have to work all day?

The dinner plate is in the microwave, spinning and glowing, when she finds it. his wedding ring is on the coffee table. Suddenly, her appetite is ruined and the dinner, plate and all, is in the trash. Cancer couldn't kill her fast enough.

"Why? Fuck, Tyler, why?" She knows exactly why. Everything has gone wrong and he loves someone else.

They could've worked out in another life and in different careers.

She cries herself to sleep on the couch and all he offers her is a blanket before curling up in their bed.

**iii. you're 28 and he's 27**

"Oh." It's all he says when she tells him she has cancer. he cries later but all he can say is "oh." Five years married and that's the best he can give his now.

They cry together anyways, arms wrapped around each other like they're seventeen again.

No one else says oh. his parents cry and her’s hold him tight. Lynn clings on and won't let go because she can't lose her best friend, it's not an option. Josh hits her and dives into her chest, sobbing an angry fit of snot and hate. Debby drops everything and drives back from Texas without a word until she's right there, hugging her best friend in the world.

The best Tyler can do is look down at his feet and feel bad for not feeling bad enough.

"Do you love me?" She hangs her heart from her sleeve. he nods slowly, not breaking eye contact. They don't look at each other like that is the world and nothing else could be anymore.

It would mean more if his friendship ring didn't cut into her hand.

(Josh holds Tyler to his chest without need but that never matters anymore.)

**iv. you're** **27 and he's 26**

She was drunk or sober but there's two warm bodies in a new bed. It's horrifying to see red curls and dark eyebrows under the sheet because she knows who that is. he looks like an angel but she knows he's the devil (or maybe she is now) and she's ruining her marriage without even trying.

"Wake up, get up, Dun, look what we've done," she begs, shaking him.

he stirs and his eyelids are too droopy for him to scream. There's a painful familiarity to the way he rubs his forehead. For a moment, he thinks he will call Tyler. Instead he pukes off the side of his own bed.

She doesn't want Tyler to know. After what happened, she can't have Tyler know. Rubbing his back gently, she whispers quieter than she ever has, "nobody needs to know ... We did this. Nobody would understand—I don't understand."

There's a moment where she thinks he will nod and agree. It's delusion, more than anything. "Get out," he tells her. "Get the fuck out."

she tells Tyler because she loves him.

"You slept with my best friend! he was drunk and you slept with him! After what happened to us, you—you think you can just run away to Josh!?" Jenna doesn't move from the doorway. he's screaming and red and angry.

She did this.

She did this.

Why did she do this?

"I ... I'm so sorry, Tyler, I love you, I don't know what—" her voice is breaking. Does she deserve to be this sad?

he throws a picture frame to the floor. Ivory dress, black tie, grey vest. They're hands and lips and love in it and now they're broken. She can remember everything that happened that day. He spun her and kissed her and loved her like they used to in their kitchen in that tiny apartment. It's a night she's written about again and again, trying to find the story to tell with it, but it always ends in him dancing with his best friend and not her.

Now he's broken it like she's broken them.

"That's bullshit, Jenna! You know what happened! You slept with him!" his eyes shouldn't be hurting this much over this.

(What kind of a wife is she?)

She's quiet because he won't let her be anything but while he screams. It's not just sleeping with his best friend. It's missing his birthday for her career and the men who want her to read their manuscript. It's coming home late for an entire month. It's choosing to work overtime. It's drinking too much. It's everything wrong with them.

With his.

"Tyler—Ty, you're acting crazy, I—" it's the wrong thing to say and she realizes that after it falls from her lips.

"No, I'm not! I'm not! Goddamnit!" he's crying now. he won't take her arms around his or her lips upon his and she knows why. he wants red hair and brown eyes, not his. She shouldn't have lied. Why the fuck did she lie?

(Is she trying to ruin her own marriage?)

She watches him cry because she can do nothing now.

**v. you're 26 and he's 25**

Their hands are linked throughout the ultrasound with matching smiles on their lips. "We're going to have a child," he laughs, kissing her forehead.

"I know. Josh and Debby will be the godparents, and you'll pick the middle name, and Daddy will be so happy for us, and everything will be okay," she whispers, holding his face, "I want to remember this moment forever."

He presses his forehead against her’s and tells her he will. That nothing could be more perfect than this. This moment is theirs, forever and forever, until the world burns up around them.

Jenna is wrong.

"Hang on," Dr. Hiatt whispers, "I have to check this little one's heartbeat and then we're done."

(Tyler wishes so much that Dr. Hiatt never checked the heartbeat.)

It's a moment. It is fleeting and gone as quick as it comes. It is the worst moment of his life. It is the worst moment of her life.

"I .. I'm sorry," he whispers, "Mrs. Joseph ... You're child is—is dead."

Neither of them scream. Neither of them cry. They are silent. "What?" She can see Tyler's world shatter around him, hear his heart stop, like their child's.

"Mrs. Joseph, I ... There's nothing I can do. I—their ... Their heart stopped beating." This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to them. Not to their first child. They'd bought the new house, they'd looked at cribs, they'd announced it to everyone.

Fuck.

She wanted to give piggyback rides, wanted to go to Disney World as a family, wanted to film firsts, wanted to tie little shoelaces, wanted to help pick out backpacks, wanted to help with homework, wanted to make shitty jokes, wanted to embarrass their child together, wanted to make photo albums with him at 2 am, wanted to have to pretend Santa is real, wanted to get homemade mother's day presents, wanted to have fourth of July barbecues, wanted to step on Legos, wanted to complain about their friends, wanted to be a family. She wanted it so fucking badly.

They walk home in the sun without touching each other once.

(he and Josh are inseparable again the next time you all have lunch.)

**vi. you're 24 and he's 23**

So maybe they can barely afford their home but at least they have each other. They have slow dancing in the kitchen and telling stories over TV dinner and her sleeping in his flannels. She knows they can pull through this, he'll stop loving Josh in time and they'll figure out their finances and they're going to be okay.

They're too in love to not be okay.

Except Tyler just lost his job and she needs to get published soon if they want to keep their tiny apartment. She wishes she had stayed with her original major or that she had gotten a job at a better school. But everything is going to be okay because they're Tyler and Jenna and they're golden.

She's right and she gets the call as they're eating dinner. She's going to be published and she's going to finally make money.

Everything is wrong but everything is finally right.

They dance in the kitchen and she steps on his toes to be taller than him. She knows who he wants her to be but it's okay because he swears he loves her. She believes him.

he wouldn't lie to her.

**vii. you're almost 24 and he's still 23**

Bills are worse than he'd expected for them. Neither of their jobs are any good for this city and he's worried they'll need to move away from their best friends.

They can figure this out.

("I believe in us," he tells her between kisses.)

If anyone can stay strong, it's them.

("We'll come out stronger," he murmurs between her collar bones.)

The bills stack up and the pay doesn't.

("You'll get published soon," he swears to her shoulders.)

No school will take his full time.

("You're going to find a good school," she promises into his hair.)

There's a tapping at their window and their moment is dead as a dark eyebrow is cocked at them. Shit.

**viii. you're both 23**

She's heard before that your wedding is the most magical part of your marriage. So far, it has been. She could almost swear it was a fairy tale. From the fizzling in his lips when they kissed to the way her dress spun out when he twirled her, she couldn't make it more of a fairy tale.

At least, not until she hears her mothis-in-law's voice.

Tyler asks her what love feels like—doesn't he know? Aren't they in love? He just married her, he must know what love feels like. They must feel like love, love must be something in the way they kiss and dance and look at each other.

"It feels hopeless."

"Oh."

She wonders if maybe they're hopeless. (Could they be hopeless?)

Kelly leaves with sad eyes to Elisa and Chris and Patrick and Josh’s mom. She watches for a minute, all the while not wanting to breathe. There's a quiet sort of anger in her bones.

Then, she hears a sob. No. No. No. Tyler wouldn't cry on their wedding night. Tyler loves her. Tyler has loved her for so long. They will not fall. They will not lose, not this early into their marriage.

he mumbles something.

"Josh."

he loves Josh. But he must love her. he must love her. At least a little. he married her, he said yes. She had Josh's blessing, she had his father's blessing, she had his mother's blessing, she loves him so goddamn much. he must love her.

How could he not love her?

No. It will be fine. They will be fine. he will not love Josh forever. They will be fine. he loves her too. They will be fine. He loves her so much. They will be fine. She knows they will be fine.

She knows it as he holds him tight to her chest and kisses the top of his head and she knows it as she takes him inside her to consummate the marriage with whispered words of love and tenderness.

"We will be fine."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i did just kill jenna.
> 
>  
> 
> okay, i'm going to make a sequel soon. i might give it a happy ending.


End file.
